BELLA! my reason for e x i s t i n g

[mts]

He felt like he was caught between two worlds, one that he once existed in and another that he was now inside. He didn't know which one was more normal or which one used to be the one he liked more. He knew his human life was good with his mother and father, he loved his parents before they died from the Spanish Influenza. But he loved his adopted parents just as much, Carlisle and Esme. He knew his vampire life was much more thrilling, but he wished he was human for Bella's sake. The idea that he would have to turn her kind of made him sick, although not literally but still it bothered him that he would have to take away her soul if she chosen to be with him of course, but he had this odd feeling around him, maybe he lost her when he was in Alaska? He felt as though he had lost her in a way, but he knew he had to try regaining her back, he knew he had to do everything in his power to bring her back to his side.

Bella. The true beauty of his existence. The reason he had kept going and breathing because of her. He didn't know what he would do without her, he loved everything about her and he never experienced such love in his life, his love for her was stronger than anything he could ever imagine and he knew he would have to try to keep fighting for her, he knew he had to. He had nothing to lose except her and as for the moment he didn't want to lose the only precious thing in his life again. He wasn't going to lose her again, that's the promise he would keep and he knew it would be hard for him to stick to that promise if she didn't want him at all, she knew what she wanted, but Edward was not even close to what she wanted. He figured maybe she had loved them both? It was possible, nothing was impossible these days unless he made it that way.

He was running through the forest trying to get to Bella's house. He could hear everything in his wake, but he had chosen to ignore it for the matter as he was on his way to Bella's home. He inhaled deeply as he took in his surroundings and he knew he would have total silence if he blocked everything out like he had just right now. He could hear the bird in the sky flapping there winds and going a distance, he can hear some deer jumping across and in between the trees trying to get away from whatever they got afraid of. He could hear the huge waterfall that wasn't so far away. He could hear a lot of things and he could see all the beauty in the world, he knew this was a good way of being existed in it until the end of time, something he wanted to share with Bella, but he knew he was still kind of worried about changing her, he didn't want to place her in so much trouble of being a newborn.

Eventually he reached her house right by her window and he knew he would have to climb in. He knew it was late, around 9 at night but he knew he wanted to stay with her for the night. He could hear Charlie snoring in his bedroom sleeping away and tossing also turning in his bed. He closed his eyes for a moment then climbed the tree rapidly then looked at the window and saw that it was open. He slipped through it and noticed that no one was in her room. He then looked around her bedroom noticing a few changes here and there then he walked over to the scrapbook and noticed his pictures were still missing. He had them in his hand, gently he placed the pictures back in place and also the tickets for Jacksonville down next to it. He almost forgot he had them but he felt as though it was time to return it to it's proper owner.

He had no idea where she was at, he closed his eyes and listened hard for her heartbeat but he couldn't hear anything, he wondered if she was out somewhere or if she was just busy doing something else. It didn't matter to him at the moment, he knew he could wait for her. He gently moved to her desk and sat down on the chair she had there and closed his eyes once again imaging Bella in his arms sitting in his lap as he held her close while he listened to her heart beat, he knew he loves her so very much, she was the reason for his existence, that's how he felt all the time but he wondered, did she still feel the same way? He knew she had saved him from killing himself but is that what was left for him? Was that all she had left for him? He didn't know but he wanted to know what she would actually think, if she had really enjoyed the werewolf's company, and even felt more stronger about him, was it possible that she would leave Edward for him? He didn't want to think about it, it was too difficult to imagine a life without her, but her happiness meant more to him than anything, but one thought entered his head:

“Bella. I love you, please decide on me.”

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[bella]

It had been a little over a week since their reappearance in Forks from Volterra and Bella’s relations with those she loved remained weak. She and Charlie were on speaking terms, but in every word he spoke she could hear the disappointment. Jacob hadn’t returned any of her phone calls or made any attempt to talk to her, and her friends at school were wrapped up in end of the school year activities. It pained her to see those she loved hurting because of her. Most of all: Edward and Jacob. It just wasn’t fair that they suffer on her account. Of course, she knew it wasn’t completely her fault. It’s not like she forced either of them into falling in love with her. But, she still couldn’t help but feel guilty. She loved having Edward back, but doubts had begun to linger in her mind. Not about their love…but about leaving her human world behind. It was a choice she was growing more and more wary of. But, to age while Edward remained gorgeous just wasn’t an option. Moving to Alaska and saying goodbye to her friends and family would be the price to pay for being with Edward. But, with Jacob on the other hand…she wouldn’t have to say goodbye to anyone. She could remain human and warm…

Her mind raced as she wandered through the woods behind her house. How did she ever come across this decision? Since when in the world did vampires and werewolves exist? And since when did either of those creatures love? Muscles tensed as she grew frustrated of thinking of the situation. Her heart ached for Edward. She hadn’t seen him since their flight landed and she longed more than anything to be near him. Even in his cold arms, she felt warm and loved. Not a care in the world ran through her mind when she was near him. Things just were. There were no ifs, ands, or buts. It was just the two of them, together. More than anything she longed to have him back near her again, but she was too scared to be the one to make the first move. At this point, she had no idea what she wanted in the long-run. All she knew was what she wanted right now, and that was Edward.

A cool wind began to pick up as she began back towards her house. It was getting dark, and she knew the woods weren’t a safe place to be after sun-down. Unfortunately for her though, she had wandered a good ways in, so the likeliness of being back home before dark was low. The thought scared her a bit and she began to quicken her pace, her mind no longer on Edward or Jacob, but on about getting out of the forest before nightfall. A spooked feeling shivered down her spine as she thought of her previous creature encounters in the forest with Laurent, as well as Victoria. She moved to a fast walk, but of course it didn’t take long before her clumsy side kicked in. Not realizing a curved root sprawling from the ground, Bella tripped and fell to the earthy floor. A soft sigh of frustration escaped her throat as she got up and wiped as much of the dirt off as she could. A warm, liquid feeling ran down her hand from where she had caught herself. It didn’t take any pain for her to know she was bleeding. Putting her hand in a light fist, she continued her way back to the house…following the slight peeks of twilight through the woods.

Finally making it out, she guessed it was probably around nine-thirty. The sun had long since set and twilight had finally diminished. She was now in the midnight dark, making her way towards the backdoor and going in. The house was warm, and it felt good against her slightly chilled skin. Taking her light jacket off, she made her way towards the kitchen, flicking on a light. She winced at the crimson blood on her hand, and quickly washed the dirt out of the wound. Grabbing a paper towel, she kept pressure on it as she made her way upstairs towards the bathroom and the medicine cabinet where they kept the band-aids. But before she reached it, she stopped by her room to get her pajamas for after she showered. As she opened the door and walked in, it took her a moment to notice Edward sitting at her desk. When she did, she jumped and took a few steps back. Her heart was pounding in her chest as she thought a robber or murderer had been in his place. “Edward!” She yelled in a harsh whisper, trying to control her breathing while, at the same time, trying not to wake Charlie. Her body had began to tremble lightly at how scared she had been, but she was slowly calming down. “You scared the life out of me!” Her voice was still a little shaky, but it didn’t last much longer.

It took her a moment to realize what had just happened. Until that point it had been like any other time he scared her, but then it clicked that he was here after not seeing him for a week. “Edward…” This time it wasn’t harsh at all. In fact, it was quite the opposite. It was filled with relief, love, and passion. Near immediately, she moved towards him and wrapped her arms around him, her heart racing faster that before. “What are you doing here…?” She asked, unsure if everything was alright or if he just wanted to be near her again. Of course, he always wanted to be near her. It was her that was having the emotional issues. In either case, she didn’t care. She didn’t care that her hand was bleeding, or that her clothes were dirty. All that mattered was him.

[mts]

His eyes flicked up when he started to hear some else's heartbeat and he looked up as his golden eyes flickered to the window wondering if that was Bella. He figured maybe it was but he had to wait until she had gotten closer. Even though he couldn't read her mind, he found another way to know it was her, her scent and her heart. He made sure he learned them both beat by beat and scent by scent. He knew he had to make sure that it was her and he knew she was coming because her scent filled his nostrils like a magnet. He closed his eyes as he had intake her smell. He always felt so comfortable with her around him, he knew he could no longer stay away from her outside of school he had to be with her forever and he always wanted to be with her but he felt very worried about having her forever with him, he didn't want to take away her soul as much as he wanted to hold it for her forever.

Bella was everything he could ever ask for and more and he knew he couldn't have her anyway, thats why he was nervous about changing her, what happens if she did change when she became a newborn that was thirsty for one thing more than his love for her? He couldn't do that to her and he knew this was so difficult for him to go through, he knew she wanted to be with him, for now, but he wondered, how long would that ever truly last? He closed his eyes and placed his hand on his forehead looking frustrated as hell as he sat there thinking while Bella inched closer to the house, how was he going to convince her that she could remain human with him? Or possibly how can she remain with him at all? What if she wanted children, what if she didn't want to live forever, what if she left him? All possibilities and all of them broke his heart.

He frown and just leaned back in the chain a bit and rested his hand on his lap. His golden eyes on the bulletin board where she posted things on, he looked on it and saw all kinds of photos with the camera that Charlie had gave her for her eighteenth birthday. He frowned at that, that was a bad he wouldn't forget even if Bella maybe could if she was to become a vampire, or she could remember it for the rest of her life if she remained human and with that dog. He couldn't imagine that, but he knew she could have been considering it because Edward could see the connection between the both of them when they didn't. Edward has been in this life a lot longer than both of there lives combined, he knew when he saw a connection between two people. He wasn't fooled, he always knew when he saw something. The way they looked at each other and touched one another, he knew there was something there and he couldn't blame her, he blamed himself.

He listened to ever step she had taken when she walked inside the house and he smiled when he heard ever step as she walked into the kitchen. He then listened as she walked upstairs, his eyes now glued on the door as he waited for her grand entrance. He inhaled deeply, her scent filling his lungs and brought a content emotion over him that made him relax as he had waited for her to come to him. Although he knew he was most likely going to frighten the lights out of her, he knew he would catch her to keep her calm, he knew that whenever he would hold her or kept her close to him she would relax. He always notices everything when it came to Bella. He never wanted to miss anything because he knew he was missing a lot when he could never read her mind. It was nice not being able to read her mind sometimes, because somethings he honestly wouldn't want to know, but a lot of things he wanted to know, it drove him crazy.

“Edward! You scared the life out of me!”

“How humorous, I can frighten her like that but being a monster doesn't. I'm perplexed.”

His eyes remained on her when he thought of this but a entertained smile showed on his lips as he looked at her, then formed into a smirk shortly after when he heard how fast her heart was pumping in her chest, the sound soothed him, just like music did most of the time. His golden eyes on her heavenly face then looking into her big brown eyes, if he was human, he knew his own heart would flutter if it was alive of course. But as he stared at her, he knew right in front of him was his world. The only thing in his world was her and nothing or no one else matter enough to be in it except for her and he was perfectly fine with that. He didn't need anything else, nothing else was as special as her and he knew he had to take care of her no matter what she decided, he knew he would have to stay for her and protect her for as long as she needed for him to stay.

“Edward…What are you doing here…?”

His eyes were on her as she moved towards him and sat on his lap. He wrapped his arms around her and he pressed his nose in her hair inhaling her scent noticing that she seemed like grass, like if she was in the forest, he figured that's where she was, but then he inhaled again and could smell her heavenly scent that he would never forget and would never try to. He knew he was always going to remain hers forever as long as she would want him to be. He then removed his nose from her head and looked into her eyes, but another smell entered his nose, blood, her blood. He whipped around and gently took her hand in his own and he gently applied pressure to stop the bleeding, he tried his hardest to remain from the smell but his face was clam and well collected. He was learning how to control himself around her and he knew he had to try for her because she was worth every single little thing.

“Bella… I've missed you.”

[/b] He spoke softly like velvet as he looked down at her hand then looked up into her eyes. He was making sure that he wasn't applying too much pressure to break her hand, her fragile human hand. He knew he always had to watch out because he was scared he was really going to hurt her one day and that was something he never wanted to do to her. Never. Not ever again. It pained him to see that he had hurt her that way. He looked deeply into her eyes, his eyes showing love, passion, but also a hint of pain between here and there. Pain because he saw that she was bleeding and dirty. Then an amused expression was on his face as he stared deeply into her brown eyes, almost as if he was getting lost in them, like if they had a deeper meaning.

“Did you fall down the mountain side again or perhaps you just couldn't help yourself to have a fun trip?” he always placed everything as a joke, but he couldn't help the way she looked right now. She was messy and she smelled like dirt, but it didn't bother him because he still had her with him and that's all that ever truly mattered to him at the moment. He had her. Not Jacob. He loves her and she returned the love. He then gently ran his fingers through her hair and noticed that it was a little messy, similar to his, but on her it looked good this way and her favorite crooked smile appeared in his face as he stared into her brown hair. He couldn't help but to smile, he liked her hair this way and he found it to be attractive.

“Your hair is much more appealing this way, it's sexy.”


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[bella]

For a couple moments, Bella had to convince herself she was really awake and that he was really here. Her heart was racing with every move they made together. She loved being near him and there was no way in her lifetime she could ever get enough of him. She still couldn't believe he was actually there, but she was glad to finally have him near again. Even in his ice cold arms, she felt relief and warmth in his love. Nothing in that moment mattered but the two of them, together. Her eyes closed as she stayed near to him, inhaling his intoxicating scent, smiling. She remained like this for a moment, before drawing back and gazing into his eyes. He pulled her hand in front of her and started applying just enough pressure to stop the bleeding. It was then that she once more realized that she was with a vampire. “I’m sorry…” She whispered, looking from the wound to his golden brown eyes. In her heart, she knew he didn’t mind and that he was learning to control himself around her, but she still felt strange about putting him in situations like that. She didn’t draw her hand back though. Instead she just gazed at him. She saw the small smile that was on his lips and she wondered what he was thinking. Of course, she had comfort in knowing he couldn’t tell what she was thinking either. So, it was a fair deal.

The bleeding on her hand ceased quickly with Edward’s help and she smiled in thanks, her eyes holding him. Every part of her wanted to be with him. He was her everything. And she knew, just through the intense gaze in his eyes, that she was his. She hated herself over and over for putting him through the hell she knew she had been. He didn’t deserve it. All he had ever done was love her…was that such a crime? Her heart sank momentarily, thinking about his disappearance a couple months ago. Everything in her world had fallen apart after he had left. It was like it had all been a dream. Though, she knew better. The pain she had felt was enough to confirm its reality. Her muscles tensed as she thought about it, but she quickly brushed it away as his velvety voice rang through her ears.

Bella…I’ve missed you.

The emotions that flowed through those four words made Bella’s heart pound in her chest. How could she have been so stupid to stay away from him for so long? Why was she so conflicted? Obviously she knew her heart was with Edward. Why, then, did she still have this longing to stay close to Jake?

Her arms wrapped around his neck as she positioned herself in his lap in the chair. Every part of her wanted to be near him, wanting him to hold her like he did so many months ago. She leaned her forehead against his, her eyes closed, just loving being near to him again. “I’ve missed you too, Edward.” She whispered her warm breath against his lips. Her brow furrowed as she longingly nuzzled against him. He then heard his little joke and couldn’t help but laugh softly. She pulled away to look at him and gave him a playful glare, mocking him lovingly. Knowing she was clumsy in every way, she always hated to admit to such a pitiful defeat. “I tripped on my way home…” She muttered, quickly anxious to chance the subject. She knew he could smell the forest on her so where she had been was no mystery. As if to read her mind, though she knew he couldn’t, he spoke of her hair and how sexy it looked. Her cheeks burned a soft pink as she smiled, having to look away in slight embarrassment. She loved getting compliments from him, but there were certain ones that she was still just not used to. Anything with her looking sexy was among them. “You really must have missed me.” She said jokingly, though she knew he was serious. That crooked grin that she loved and adored said it all. The messy style to her hair was thanks to the slight humidity and dirtiness of the forest. “But thanks…I’ll keep that in mind.” She spoke back softly, smiling through the blush.

It was amazing how he could make her feel…nervous and anxious, yet completely satisfied and relaxed. That small adrenaline rush she got when he was near was intoxicating. The endorphins that pulsed through her veins when he kissed her were invigorating and she loved every moment of it. She pressed her forehead back against his, her hands still wrapped around him. Her fingers stroked at the back of his neck as she once more closed her eyes, her lips lingering near his. “I love you.” She whispered to him, tangling one of her hands in his hair, grabbing a small portion gently. Her heart ached in how much she had missed him, and she inhaled deeply. “And I’m sorry for everything…” She whispered, knowing she was being unfair in what she was putting him through with the situation with Jacob. She knew it couldn’t have been easy for him, but she appreciated him not giving up. Her muscles tensed a bit as she thought about it, but she forced herself to relax. Those thoughts were for another night. For now, it was just them, and she was more than content to get lost in a world of their own tonight.

[mts]

Love, it was a power thing these days, and he couldn't believe how lucky he really was to have it with this woman that he thought he would never encounter in all of his existence. He never thought he would have her for himself but for the present he did and in the future he knew he would have to wait and see if she was going to be his for the rest of his existence, but although he knew she didn't want to die and was maybe scared of vampires way of life, he knew he would have to try and stay with her until the end of time and he knew he would have to be careful so he wouldn't lose her to something of the supernatural. He knew his end of time was coming and that brought such a sadness to his soul, body and his mind. He never wanted his time with Bella to end, she was the most important human being on this earth to him and he knew his time would actually be up soon. He could feel it in his blood that maybe he wasn't going to win this battle and he had understood that deeply even though it wasn't something he wanted, her happiness mattered more than his own and he could live with that. He knew it would take him decades upon decades and possibly centuries to actually understand life again before he met Bella, but then deep in his mind, he felt like he would never feel the same if he had lost her.

“I’m sorry…”

He heard her whisper loud and clear and as he pressed down on her hand to stop the bleeding he knew he would have to learn how to control his temptation and ever since he had to drain her blood, he realized that things have been getting simpler so very easily to just be around her and not have to hunt every so often like he had first used to. He remembered he had to go a lot often than he had to because her blood was something magical, something that he couldn't describe and he didn't have an issue with describing it. It sang to him, really. He could spell it and he would feel relaxed with it around him and he knew that everything would be better that everything was fine because she was near him. He even learned to focus on her spell that way he could find her a lot quickly, her blood wasn't really hard to miss and he was glad that he could find her blood was heavenly good. He couldn't help that she smelled like something wonderful, she was just something to die for, but even though he had spelled her and knew her smell, there was another girl at school that had smelled appealing and that had surprised him. Bella was the only one that had spelled so good to him, why did that girl smell good to? Was it possible that he himself was loosing his mind and going crazy like he did decades ago when he had killed humans? He knew that was impossible.

He didn't know how he could live without her, all those months nearly killed him everyday because he never saw her, never touched her, or seen her beautiful face. He could have sworn that maybe those months killed him a little inside and when he heard she was dead, that send him over the edge himself. Its like everything turned black inside him when he heard Rosalie tell him that she was dead and he couldn't grasp it fully, he didn't understand anything and he wasn't thinking clearly all he felt like he had to do was die and even though he knew he wouldn't end up with her in heaven, he knew it would have been a little closer to her, he knew his soul would be with her if it had ever recognized her up there. He didn't know, but all he knew was that he couldn't live in a world knowing that his darling Isabella had jumped off a cliff and died on the impact or worse drowning. All he knew was that he had to go down with her because he couldn't live in this world knowing that he was responsible for her death and he knew he wouldn't have ran away just for her to live a normal life. Was that so wrong to do? To leave because he loves her too much and wanted something better for her? Was it a crime to walk down a path he had to take to save her from eternal damnation?

“I love you. And I’m sorry for everything…”

Now his eyes flickered and turned to look into her big and beautiful brown eyes. Oh, how he could just get lost in them while listening to her heartbeat. At times that has happened but he had always made sure that he heard her talking to him, he always made her but sometimes he would just tune out and just listen to her heart beating, that was something he would never forget, her heartbeat, it had its own way, it fluttered a lot when he touched her or when he had looked at her, he always loved the way it sounded and he knew if he had changed her all of that would go away, her eyes, her heart, her life. But as he looked at her, he wasn't thinking about that at all, he was looking at her tenderly and lovingly like he always had and he knew right there that she honestly did love him and maybe he wouldn't lose her as much as he thought he would have, maybe he still had a chance to reclaim her as his own once again and maybe forever if he asks her to marry him, but he knew with time he would ask her, he would have to find the right moment. He had been carrying his mother's ring every time just in case the right moment was to happen, he had it in his pocket right now but he wouldn't let her know that, it was unnoticeable.

He noticed how sorry she looked as well but all of that didn't matter, right now it was just him and her and that was important to him. He wanted to be with her but of course he placed her wants and needs first and if she ever needed something, he knew he would spoil her with all the things in the world and he had the money, he had a lot of money, but he knew she didn't care about any of that and that made it more of the reason why he loves her so much, she didn't care that he was a vampire, that he had money, that he was not up to date with things, she loves all that about him and he could see it, but he wondered what made her see thew very things in Jacob, what made him special? What made Jacob stand out from the rest of the boys and why did it have to be a wolf? She could have at least picked someone that had at least smelled good for a change, but he knew he couldn't control her feelings as much as he had wished, if only he had the power to change the will of others, but even if he had a power like that, he wouldn't make Bella do something against her will. He knew it wouldn't be any right because thats how much he loves her.

“Bella...I love you. You're the only thing that allows for me to keep having a reason to exist in this world. The only thing that matters to me is your happiness, if you want to be with Jacob, I would understand. I rather lose you to someone else than to lose you forever.”[/b]

[bella]

Bella’s dark eyes met Edward’s and she found herself lost in love. All that mattered in that moment was the two of them. She hadn’t seen him since the day they arrived back in Forks from Volterra and here he was…back by her side. Though she had partially began to heal from the wounds of his departure, his small week-long absence had ripped just as much of a hole in her as it had the first time. That was when her realization that she couldn’t possibly live without him hit. She loved Edward, more than words could express. He was her everything…they were meant for each other. Why else would their draw to each other have been so intense and exhilarating? Sure, she and Jacob had their moments when they just felt right together, but no matter the time, something always felt missing. And, as she sat in his lap tonight, she knew the thing missing was Edaward. She didn’t want to be in a world where he didn’t exist. Last fall had more than proved that point. Sure, time probably would have healed most wounds, but she would never fully be healed. Edward was her life…her everything. To lose him meant she lost a part of herself.

The pressure Edward had applied to her hand had finally ceased the bleeding and she pulled her hand away gently, not wanting to make him feel uncomfortable. She knew he could control himself around her, but there was no point in risking it. Both of her hands wrapped around his neck as she leaned forward and pressed her forehead against his. Her eyes closed and for a moment she just breathed in his intoxicating scent, a strong desire to kiss him overwhelming her. She would hold back though. For the moment, she just let her lips rest close to his…not quite touching, but teasing a kiss. Her body pressed against his as she listened to him and as his voiced crossed over Jacob’s name, her muscles tensed for a moment. It didn’t last long before she finally relaxed once more in his arms. She shook her head, speaking softly. “No…I only want you, Edward.” And it was true. Of course, a part of her knew she was blocking a lot of feelings that she held for Jake. As much as she hated to admit it, there was something there between them. And even further she hated, it was love. But, it was a different type of love. One she didn’t exactly know how to explain. Whether or not that was a good thing, she had no idea. For the time being though, she didn’t want to think about it. All she wanted to think about was Edward.

Finally unable to take it anymore, she pressed her lips softly against his. His lips were cold, but they brought a warmth though Bella’s body that she couldn’t explain; a comfort and security that no one else could give. Her hands tangled into his hair and she grabbed a handful lightly, continuing to kiss him gently. She could feel her heart pounding in her chest as she held the kiss for another moment before pulling away gently…her lips still lingering near his. “I only love you.” She whispered, staying close to him as she tried to get her heart to calm its erratic beating. Only he could do that to her, and she loved it. She bit at her lower lip, don’t wanting to pull away but knowing she had to. For a moment, her eyes stayed looking down at the blood-stained paper towel folding in her palm, but after a couple moments, she finally raised them to his. His golden eyes were perfect, filled with love and passion. She could gaze into them all day and never get bored. Everything about him just fit with her...and she knew she wasn’t the only one who could see it.