Dear Diary {Anastasia's eyes only}

[anastasia90]

I don't know what to do anymore. I find myself building a facade and hiding the real me from the world. I smile and joke and pretend there is nothing wrong. But inside, I am falling apart.

I don't fit in at school. I don't have friends and I sit alone. I refuse to eat at school, the food here makes me sick. Hell, I don't even want to be at school. After the whole thing with the little Grace and everyone, I am scared just to leave the house. I am close to asking Esme if I can be home schooled.

I don't want fear to rule me. But I am a mere human living in a world of immortal creatures that could kill me effortlessly.I feel sorta safe here with the Cullens but only because they don't feed on humans. They eat animals instead. But how long until I end up pissing someone off enough too break my neck or throw me through a window?

They keep telling me Edward won't hurt me. But I don't know if I can believe them. The evil vampires that killed my parents, he was with them. I am not sure why i lived though. And I don't get why hes so nice to me. Maybe it's because Esme and Carlisle is telling him to be. I don't know.

I haven't left my room in a couple of days. I know people are probably worried about me. I cry a lot in here. I know they hear me. But no one says anything. No one tries to ask me what is going on. Truth is. It's half fear and half something else.

I don't belong here. And I miss my parents. I know they would want the best for me. I know they would want me happy. I'm attending school and learning about a new culture through experience. But every day I have to look over my shoulder because I am scared the red eyed vampires will come to kill me like they killed mom and dad.

I just don't know what I am supposed to do. Where do I go from here? I guess I just have to take things day by day, and seriously ask Esme to let me be home schooled. That would make my life a whole lot easier.

[anastasia90]

Well, now that I am not scared of Edward, I have to hope he comes to visit more. He isn't here enough now. I want my brother here to help me in my many disagreements with Rose. Maybe there wouldn't be as many if I would leave her alone. But then she would think she won. I am not gonna let her think that. Besides, I like giving her a hard time because she makes herself out to be perfect. Seeing her anger makes me happy because then it's like, you are not perfect get over yourself.

I just wish there was something else I could do around the house. It's kind of tiring really. I am the weak link of the family and really should be more careful. I am constantly asked if I am hungry, tired, feeling well, etc. They have to worry about me way to much that it isn't fair. They shouldn't have to worry about me. I just wish there was something I could do.

School sucks as always. Maybe if I intentionally fail they will let me pull out and go to home schooling in the hopes that being there more to help me study would help me to pass. It is worth a shot. I really hate it at school. I just wish they would realize that. I'm not happy there. I thought it would be evident by the way i drag on in the mornings while getting ready. Half the time I am late to class because I refuse to get out of bed.

I kind of want to go camping. Maybe when Edward comes back into town we can all go on a camping trip. It would be a cool family outing. We can work it around their hunting schedules and sunny days so that it would work so that they aren't risking exposure in the sun or they can go feed themselves. I can sit at came and hold up fort while they hunt. I should talk to Esme and Carlisle about it. Might even text Edward to find out when he is coming back. Did I mention I really miss Edward? If it wasn't evident, there it is.


Wow, I really need sleep or something because I just laughed loud enough to get Rosalie to yell at me to shut the hell up. Maybe she thinks I am insane because I am laughing when I am alone in my room. That would be an amusing thought. I kinda wonder what goes on around the house when I sleep or am gone. What do vampires do with their time? I am going to have to ask someone about that later.

[anastasia90]

So I am in complete and utter shock. I was home alone and who else to walk in the door. Rosalie. So she first pushed me around and threatened me, normal stuff you know. But then something amazing happened. We started exchanging sob stories. I never thought we would ever get along. Seems we have more in common than we thought.

She seemed genuinely worried about me when I told her about the school incident. She is now adamant that I not return to school. So looks like I may be getting home schooled after all. Thank God.

So now that my head is reeling from the fact that Rose doesn't hate me after all, I am starting to feel more at home here. Because Rose being the biggest bitch in the house telling me that everyone cares about me actually makes me believe her. But maybe she isn't a bitch after all. I mean, she was talking about going shopping with Alice and me and putting me on her baseball team. Life is definitely getting interesting here.

[anastasia90]

I thought the day was going well, I was so wrong. I was all excited because Brooke an Edward was back and I met new people, that I was actually having fun. The baking war with ingredients had been so much fun. And Edward loved my song, and I even sang a little. I was having a great time, and then some chick named Athenadora waltzed in and destroyed it all.

She pretty much admitted to killing my mother, and knowing the person who killed my father. I was so compelled to hit her, but I held back. SHe left and I just, I cried. I don't know what to do. Maybe I should just leave. The Cullens would be better off without me. I mean yeah, I would miss them terribly, but they deserve none of the problems I have caused.

[anastasia90]

So, I have a boyfriend now. I kissed him in front of Esme and she flipped her lid. Fighting ensued and things were said that weren't meant. It took me hurting my hand on the wall to realize just how stupid I am sometimes. So I went and apologized and now everything is good.

Kenny, my boyfriend, is a vampire. And has stayed the night twice already. Don't worry, nothing happened. What could in a house of eavesdropping vampires that are probably reading this while I sleep. I swear, this family is going to be the death of me.

But in other words, Brooke is taking me to buy a car tomorrow. I am super excited. I need my own form of transportation. Maybe then I can go off on my own adventures.Anyhow...I should probably get back to sleep..I am comeing down sick and don't want to ruin the car shopping trip tomorrow with a cold or something.

[anastasia90]

So, unexpected turn of events. I went and picked out this beautiful Masserati. It was love at first sight. I loved that car dearly. Well, Kenny came and met me to ride home with me. The rest is a big empty space. Apparently, I had decided to speed and flipped the car right into a tree. THe car was totaled and I was rushed to the hospital. There was internal bleeding and I was comatose. They said I wouldn't live through the night.

So Carlisle took me home and bit me, turning me into a vampire. I am beyond pissed off about that. I never wanted this and had expressed that to them many times. But still they turned me. Now I am being forced to adapt to life as a vampire. I really am not looking forward to any of this but I guess I have to make do with what I have.